Daniel Nicholls caught up with Andrew McClelland ahead of his new Melbourne Comedy Festival show Andrew McClelland’s Somewhat Accurate History of the Fall of the Roman Empire.
Tell me about your new show.
Well, it’s called Andrew McClelland’s Somewhat Accurate History of the fall of the Roman Empire, a little show that covers the period of 44 BC to 410 AD, which is the period from when we get Julius Caesar at the start, who is kind of the first Emperor although not officially, his nephew Augustus Caesar is the first official Emperor, way up to when Rome is sacked for the first time in 800 years and Romulus the Last is told to abdicate at the age of fourteen. It’s a fascinating story because almost every Roman Emperor was assassinated, although Romulus, smart as he was, managed to get away with a retirement and a pension and lived pretty well.
Who was your favourite Roman Emperor?
Hard to say, but maybe Augustus. He was really solid emperor and pretty relentless in getting rid of his foes, he killed off Marc Antony and Lepidus without much mercy.
You had a previous show called The Somewhat Accurate History of Pirates, is this a sequel?
Oh, no, well, it’s a sequel in spirit, but that show covered the Caribbean piracy of 1550-1670, so it was much later in history, but in fact Caesar was kidnapped by pirates as a young man and they demanded a ransom for his release, which was common at the time. But when Caesar heard what the ransom was, he said: “That’s not enough, I’m worth at least twice that!” and so they doubled the ransom, and it was paid, Caesar was freed, and then he hunted down those pirates and crucified them all. There was some suggestion that they might have ‘interfered’ with him in some way, but still, crucifixion was a pretty horrible way to go. Otherwise a charming tale.
So why did Rome fall?
Well, many reasons. Lots of Romans became Christian, and it’s hard to fight off hordes barbarians when you’re meant to be a loving do-gooder. Some people say the Romans went mad because all their water came through lead pipes so they may have been drinking poison water, yet others still say that the upper classes were so elite that they didn’t want to marry any commoners, so the incest and inbreeding that sprang out of that may have been a factor.
Do you wish the Roman Empire had persisted to today?
Well no I don’t, they had some pretty crazy punishments. If you were caught adultering they would put you in a sack with a chicken and a snake and a bear, not even a big sack, a small one, and they’d sew in up and they’d throw it in a river. Although if you survived, they’d let you go. But one positive would be the orgies; they ate amazing food that we wouldn’t touch now: honeyed giraffe’s neck; parrot’s offal pate; things like that.
Any advice for today’s Empires, should they wish to avoid the fate of Rome?
Don’t get complacent: don’t think you’re the best. As soon as Rome replaced its armies with hired barbarians, well, the barbarians were tough, we know this, Conan the barbarian punched out horses, so we know it’s true, but it they weren’t particularly loyal. And really, if you’re going to be an Empire, you should really avoid Christianity: you’d have to give up wealth; be kind to everyone; avoid things like rendition or waterboarding; it’d be impossible to have a Christian Empire now, as we know.
So what else is on your plate?
Well I’m running my club, Mr. McClelland’s Finishing School, that’s every second Friday, it’s a sort of pop music club. I’m not a DJ, I’m a selector, I don’t beat-match or just play a bit of a song you like, I play the whole song as the band put them together. We play eclectic pop, soul, indie. Anything, really. I love pop music. It’s a lot of fun.
I’m also doing a segment for a show called The Circle, it’s a bit like Channel Ten’s version of The View, and I do their ‘net’ segment, that’s on weekday mornings.
Andrew McClelland’s Somewhat Accurate History of the Fall of the Roman Empire is playing from 25 March – 18 April at the Lunch Room in Melbourne’s Town Hall. For more details check out the Melbourne Comedy Festival website
Andrew also features in the Anarchist Guild Social Committee, April 3rd in the New Ballroom, Trades Hall. For more details check out the Melbourne Comedy Festival website