I’m angry about…
People that hold their noses when they jump into a swimming pool. Or any kind of body of water for that matter. Whats gonna happen? Just hold your breath or breathe out – its not quantum physics!
And just how big are your nostrils anyway? I mean, as well as looking like an idiot, its not like you’re going to suck up a dolphin or a tuna fish or a small child or something! Let go, man!
The last thing I think about before I got to sleep…
Is how I’m going to get this dolphin out of my nose that I inadvertently sucked up my nose at the swimming pool that day because I didn’t hold my nose before I jumped in! How do I explain this to the doctors in A & E? Not to mention what the RSPCA will say about having a dolphin there at the pool party in the first place! And wont his skin dry up being out of the water so long? Better get a saucepan of water and a ladle beside the bed in case he starts to wrinkle….
I’m most likely to be seen…
Digging a dolphin out of my nose with a pair of tweezers as I decided it was too embarrassing to go to the hospital after all. But what to do about the Knysna Seahorse up my backside? And why did they have seahorses and Robber Crabs in the pool anyway? A dolphin is bad enough, but at least they smile, know how to have a good time and you can have an intelligent conversation with one.
The first thing I think about when I wake up…
How much corrective surgery on my nose is going to cost. And why is it Australians pretend to know so much about snakes and spiders, but actually know very little.
And how in the hell did they escape from prison cells made of thick concrete, with iron bars and high barbed-wire walls on a massive island with vast deserts, populated by 20 of the worlds 25 most venomous snakes, the worlds most dangerous spiders, surrounded by oceans with blue-ringed octopi, box jellyfish and great white sharks anyway? Verily, ‘tis a miracle.
If I could I would…
Shake an Aussies’ hand and say, “Well done for your escapology old chap and welcome back to The Motherland of England. Now, make mine a pint of Foster’s and a packet of salt n’ vinegar crisps.” Actually, now that I think about it, I can. There’s loads of them working in the pub down the road….