I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor – The Arctic Monkeys Really? You’re just saying that. I mean how can you tell from that angle anyway, you can’t even see my legs from where you’re sitting
You Made Me Forget My Dreams-Belle And Sebastian Well I’m sorry but you were going to be late for work, maybe you should keep a dream diary, that way you can write them all down, I know they’re incredibly daggy but if you get so worked up over forgetting them maybe it’s something you should invest in
Whatever Happened To My Rock & Roll – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club Joe took it. You weren’t using it so I said he could borrow it. I didn’t think you’d mind, it was just sitting there for months collecting dust. I can call him and get to bring it around. Don’t worry, Joe’s good like that.
Don’t You Think Its Time? – Bob Evans No, It says on the packet that we have to give it at least twenty minutes for the colour to take, otherwise it’ll be patchy.
Ever Fallen In Love With Someone You Shouldn’t Have – The Buzzcocks YES, oh my god, it was my first year at Uni and I thought she was all cool and arty. Anyway let’s just say that I can not watch Les Miserables the same way.
Don’t Panic – Coldplay That’s easy for you to say, I told him that we had to wait twenty minutes, now I’m going to have to go into a salon and they’re going to lecture me about home colouring and how “I should always get professionals to do it”. And you can tell Bob Evans that Thursday Racquetball is off!
I Will Follow You Into The Dark – Death Cab For Cutie Don’t. You know I get scared of the dark and you always say you won’t but you squeeze my sides and it scares the shit out of me. No, you go first.
Do You Wanna Hit It? – Donnas Not really, to be honest I didn’t even want to come tonight, but I just didn’t think I could take another Friday night at home. I only came because I thought Kate was going to be here but obviously she isn’t so that was a waste of a cab fare, and now I have to go all the way back to the other side of town… sorry what was the question? Umm, no, I’m fine thanks What’s So Funny About Peace Love And Understanding – Elvis CostelloI suppose you just had to be there.
Do You Want To? – Franz Ferdinand No, I’ve just worked a double shift and my feet are killing me, but you can if you want, I won’t mind
Did You Feel It Too – The Go! Team Yeah, I bet it was Death Cab for Cutie, he said he wouldn’t but he just can’t help himself. Jerk
Don’t Want To Know If You Are Lonely – Husker Du Fine but then don’t ask me how my weekend was if you don’t want me to be honest! Man you can be a dick sometimes, just get out of my office and tell Janice I need the Invoice from Spectrum by this afternoon or it’s coming out of her pay.
I Want You Back – The Jackson Five I told you already I’ve moved on. And if I recall correctly you broke up with me, so stop ringing my mum, it makes her feel awkward.
Let Me Kiss You – Nancy Sinatra OK but can you brush your teeth first, because, and don’t take this the wrong way, but did you eat Doritos?
Are You The One? – The Presets The one who looks like you? Yeah that’s me. How Soon Is Now? – The Smiths Look if I have to tell you one more time I’m going to stop this car and turn around. If you two can’t sit back there nicely there will be no ice-cream for anyone.
Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before – The Smiths STOP!
How Much Is Enough -You Am I I think album number four was about it. Sorry.
Please Don’t Ask Me To Smile – You Am I But you have a nice smile and you always look so grumpy in photos and when I show people pictures of you who don’t know you are they always say “what’s up with this guy” and I’m like “no, Tim is really nice, he is just self conscious about his teeth”
For more about this comedian go to Josh Earl