Australian Dependant
Being a comedian we get heaps of cool stuff like an income that is usually under the poverty line and passive lung cancer from the clubs we work in. Beyond these little perks we also get fringe benefits like super human powers and time machines. Don’t believe me? Well, have you ever seen Dave Hughes and Batman in the same room together? Think about it.
I myself was lent a time machine from Greg Fleet recently.
After a quick squiz of 2025 (Note to self: invest in Ashley Martin Hair Re-Growth) I brought back with me two very interesting pieces of literature. The first is a sporting almanac that should guarantee me insane wealth by betting on sporting games, the down side is I have to make sure that damn Marty Mc Fly never finds me. Numero dos is an article from the Fairfax press newspaper ‘Australian Dependant.’
I’ll be damned if I’ll show anyone that almanac but feast your eyes at the not too distant Aussie future folks…
Civil War doesn’t make for civil neighbours
August 10th, 2025
JAKARTA- As civil war rages on in Australia, refugees are still being detained in what the Indonesian’s call ‘Menunggu meraung’, or ‘Waiting Bays.’ These processing centres scattered along the Southeast Asian coastline are built to house Australian citizens who are migrating to safer shores for a life away from the destruction and madness happening at home.
Since signing the ‘Either you are with us or against us’ treaty to the US and becoming the 63rd official American state, Australia has been grid locked in a civil war between militia separatists and, what they refer to as seppoists.
As the past 5 years of unrest looks unlikely to abate in the near future, many Australians have decided to deport their homeland for one of our closest neighbours. Indonesia over the last 2 years has been flooded with Australians who are making the 500km trip, sometimes in life threatening circumstances, for a chance at a better life.
Reports tell of how processing centres in Dili, Jakarta and even the Chapel Corby centre in Denpasar are housing war torn civilians.
Gareth Thompson is one such detainee who 5 years ago was a travel agent on the Gold Coast, now finds himself imprisoned in Dili. I see the irony of it all, claims the frail 30 year old, that over 10 years ago you couldn’t pay an Aussie to have a holiday in Indonesia and now we are literally begging to be let in.
He, like thousands of other immigrants, is waiting to be processed by the Indonesian Government. The Indonesian immigration minister Supraman Perkasa has told international bodies that Indonesia does not recognise refugee status so in turn has to process each person on their own merit. These people have to wait because too many Australian refugees are coming over and it is causing an anti-oz sentiment amongst Indonesians. It’s a matter of we grew here and you flew here, stated the usually calm Mr Perkasa.
Some Australian’s have been waiting for over 2 years to be processed. This long and arduous wait is compounded by the fact that when Australian’s are allowed entry they are either too old to work in sweat shops or too proud to accept the average $1.25 a day to work hard labour. It’s an unfortunate offshoot of war but I say order your self some Pad Thai and lap it up, commented the Australian Head Governor Eddie MacGuire.
In a press conference from Canberra’s Crazy John’s Parliament House, the newly appointed 120kg Governor stated that it’s not that bad, I went to Bali on a footy trip back in ‘85 and we got looked after. That Bintang beer puts you on your arse.
With its on going need to utilise third world labour, America is also reluctant to step in and cause an international situation with the Indonesian people. The Indonesian Government is doing the best job possible processing our people but they already have a hell of a lot of people living there says genetically created president George W Bush Mark VI.
As matters such as this come to the fore and civil war rages on in the newly founded US state, statements from the Pepsi MAX White House appear indifferent. These separatists must be stopped so we can stop the loss of lives. However on the bright side the American way of life is spreading quite nicely throughout our most southern state with the astronomical growth in weaponry sales states the geno-president.
Andrew Bolt Jnr.
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