Jesus
Jesus always talked in parables, he told stories with morals, stories with messages. And he always knew the exact right parable to say at the exact right time…but surely there were things left out of the Bible… surely there were times when Jesus just fucked things up.
Surely there were times when Jesus was hanging out with the disciples around the camp fire and he said, “Hey, I want to tell you guys a parable…”
And a ‘groan’ went up from the group.
“There was once a master… and he was going away for a time… and so he decided to divide his property up amongst his three servants. And to the first servant he gave five thousand pieces of silver and to the second servant he gave two thousand pieces of silver and to the third servant he gave one thousand pieces of silver. And the first servant went and invested his five thousand pieces and the second went and invested his two thousand and the third servant went and dug a hole in the field he was to care for and buried his one thousand pieces of silver. And eventually the master returned and he summoned his servants and asked them to show him how many silver pieces they had.”
“And the first servant, said ‘Master, you gave me five thousand silver pieces and now I have ten thousand silver pieces…’”
“And the second servant said, ‘Master, you gave me two thousand silver pieces and now I have four thousand…’”
“And the third servant said, ‘Master, you gave me one thousand and now I still have just one thousand silver pieces…’”
“And the master said… ‘You are strong of mind… and… no… you are meek and the meek shall inherit the… no… he said, you shall give your one thousand to… no…’”
“I’ll start again, I’ll start again… shhhh.”
“So… there’s a master… and he is going away for a time… I don’t know… the Greek Islands… um… Santarini… Ios and Mikanos… its not important…so he gives the first servant five thousand pieces of silver… and he invests wisely… I don’t know… a bank… a savings account, I don’t know… it doesn’t matter… and then he gives two thousand to the second servant who also invests it and he gives one thousand to the third servant… who buries it in the field… I don’t know… he digs a hole and then hammers a stick into the ground so he knows where he buried it… no, he builds a half crate, half modified wheelbarrow and places a boulder on the ground so he knows where the money is kept… anyway, it’s not important…”
“So… anyway, the master comes back and summons his servants…and the first servant says, ‘Master, I had five thousand silver pieces and now I have ten thousand…’ Well, I don’t know, he got a good interest rate… well, yes, it is a short time to double your money… the master was away a long time… a hundred years… no, that’s too long… he was away for fifty years… well, have you ever been to the Greek Islands… it’s a long way away…”
“Anyway… the master says the third servant… you are strong and they are weak… no, he says… um… he says… well… he says…”
“Shut up… I’ll tell another one… no, shut up, all of you shut up… no… Mary Magdalene is the only one listening… no, don’t make that noise… don’t all go… ‘Ohhhhh’. We’re not lovers.”
“I mean, I do love her… I like her… but I don’t like, like her… shut up. And if anyone writes in a popular airport novel in two thousand years time that we were more than just friends… don’t believe them!”
“No… I’m not going to have sex with her… She’s a prostitute… she charges 80 bucks an hour and she doesn’t even kiss on the mouth… or so I’ve been told… I so have… I so have done it… shut up… I’ve done it heaps… shut up. I do it all the time with my girlfriend… yeah, well, she lives out of town… yeah, she loves it when I do that…”
“No, I’m not changing the water in wine… you always ask me this… I’m not doing it. Okay, I’ll do it… (THINKS)... there I’ve done it… well, I don’t need to do the action… I do it with my mind…”
“No, I’m not doing the action…”
“No, I’m not doing it…”
“Okay, I’ll do it… abra cadabra… Jesus wine…”
“You see, it isn’t as good without the top hat and wand… no, I hate wearing the cape… it makes me look silly… Well, you should have told me if you wanted red or white… Chablis? Who drinks Chablis?”
“So anyway… I’ll tell another parable… No one’s listening…”
“Now Judas is the only one listening… thank you, Judas… I know I can always rely on you!”
“Okay… so I’ll tell another parable… no, I’m not just making it up as I go along… so… a train leaves Jerusalem at 80 kilometres an hour… and another one leaves…”
“No, there are three little pigs…”
“Oh fuck you! Fuck all of you fucking stupid fisherman mutherfuckers! Anybody here who is also the son of fucking God, raise your fucking hand now! And Matthew, Mark, Luke and John… if you fucking write about this in the book, I’ll fucking get you!”
I think that’s how it happened.
You can catch Michael Chamberlin in his coming festival show The Ten Commandments