Throughout my various and widespread travels, I often encounter fans of my work. Well, okay, it was once down the milk bar… and he wasn’t so much of a “fan” but more of an “armed robber”. Anyway, let’s not get bogged down with the jargon, the point is that in my dreams, I have fans, and they frequently say to me: “Tommy, it appears to me that you doth have a magnificently eloquent control over the mechanics of the English dialect. Perhaps thou could teach me to write in an enchantingly humorous style, not dissimilar to yours?” To which I am often forced to reply “Glmph!” (for some odd reason, people only seem to ask me this question when I’m eating jellybeans, hence the incomprehensible response.)
Seriously folks, writing good ain’t easy. My skills with the pen (and keyboard) were forged through years of direct one-onone training with a strange South African man, with whom I lived for several years during the Whitlam administration (despite not being born yet – such was my dedication). However, as I gaze over the shelves of the nation’s bookstores at the drivel being produced, it becomes apparent that the people need me, and my wisdom. So follow my handy hints below, and before long, the English language will be your bitch.
1. Have a cool name
I hate to break it to you, but no-ones buying books from guys called ‘Bob Smith.’ Why do you think Harry Potter sells so well? Mystery! Observe: “By J.K Rowling? What the hell does the J.K stand for? Maybe we’ll find out if we buy the book!” If initials aren’t your thing, just do what I do: keep your surname, and borrow a cool name from a dead guy. Voila: instant street cred.
2. Good subject matter
All that stuff about drawing from personal experience is all well and good, but the sad fact is that most people are so dull and average that the most exciting experience they’ve had is visiting Wet ‘n’ Wild. Therefore, be as wacky and out there as you like. Write a book about Pterodactyls and robots making souvlakis in space. After all, you can be sure George Lucas didn’t draw on personal experience, and look at him now. Knee deep in bitches and cash!
3. The opening
Don’t be afraid to open your story in the most random way possible. My personal favorite is: “I was woken by the sound of my alarm, which is odd, considering I don’t own an alarm clock, and I wasn’t asleep at the time.” That’s gold, baby. Who wouldn’t be compelled to read on after that? The beautiful part is, even if your audience hates it and think you’re a tool, they’ll still tell all their friends, and any publicity is good publicity, right?
4. Interesting Characters
Your characters need to be memorable yet believable. In order to achieve this, I like to take a random food, and attach it to a random last name from the phone book. Apple Thompson, Parma O’Grady, Super Supreme Clarke. Seamless.
5. Be a wanker
Although the debate rages on as to whether prattling on about thoughts, feelings and emotions really equals compelling writing, it is a damn good way of killing space in your story. Just be as abstract and wanky as you can for a few pages, and you can bet your bottom dollar that somewhere, some tofu-eating, beret-wearing tit is going to blow a load over it.
6. The ending
Don’t be afraid to write like a child. Killing off all your characters, or ”...and then I woke up, it was all just a dream!” are both perfectly acceptable ways of ending any story, and getting yourself out of any hole you may have written yourself into. They are, after all, the ultimate plot twists.
7. After the ending
Always finish your story with “The end… or is it?” even if it bares absolutely no relevance to how you ended the story. That way, if you decide to write a sequel, people can feel smart about having picked it at the end of the first one.
So there you have it, now you’re all equipped with the skills to produce literary dynamite. You can thank me by sending all royalties from your novel c/o The Groggy Squirrel. On second thought, don’t. Which brings me to my final point: ‘Plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize!’ Happy writing, y’all!
The end… or is it?